


The One Thing Alphard Fears

by DaniJayNel



Category: Canaan (Anime)
Genre: Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:19:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2152218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniJayNel/pseuds/DaniJayNel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What could possibly be grotesque enough to strike fear in the heart of the world's most badass villain? Well, read to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Thing Alphard Fears

**Author's Note:**

> AWWWWWWWW YEAH! Another oneshot XD The idea for this one came when I was having the most random conversation with Reji-chan, my fan/stalker/servant/worshipper (lol, she insists) who is also the genius behind “Alphard’s Revenge”. Now go and kiss her feet. So, this is not serious at all, is probably really OOC especially with Alphard –you’ll see- and is just mindless humour. I hope you enjoy it, so read on!

Alphard sighed softly to herself and ran a hand through her hair. It was already late afternoon and she was tired of waiting. She pushed away from the wall she had been leaning against and headed back into the apartment.

It was a small place mainly made out of wood. It was dusty and old, and a few windows were broken, but Alphard was currently dead to the world and couldn’t exactly go out and buy a mansion or stay at a hotel.

Well, dead to the world, except a few people. Like that damn Yuri and her dogs, and Canaan.

Alphard walked calmly into the empty place she now called home and plopped down onto the couch. She reached out for the remote and then paused. “How do I keep forgetting that my arm isn’t there anymore?” She grumbled and reached out with the arm that actually had the rest of it from the elbow downwards.

Alphard grabbed the remote and sat back with an amused smirk at her own actions. It hadn’t been that long since the train incident, and her stump of a left arm was still bandaged up pretty tight. It ached but not enough to do anything other than cause Alphard discomfort.

The terrorist turned the TV on and flipped through a few channels, and then came to an abrupt hold when she saw her own face on one of the news channels.

“And here we have Ōsawa Maria, the photographer of the CANAAN portraits. Tell us, what are the stories of these two women?” A reported asked and the camera focused on the smiling face of Maria. The news segment was about growing art galleries and the popularity of photography. Since Maria had returned to Japan and opened her own gallery, the whole concept had grown more popular.

“Well,” Maria began in an animated voice and explained her experiences from Shanghai that entailed her best friend, _and probably secret crush_ , Alphard thought, the Ua virus, Alphard and how she came to understand the different worlds that each person lives in.

Alphard blew out a long breath. “Is she even allowed to mention this on TV?” She wondered out loud and threw the remote onto the seat beside her.

Alphard spread her arm and legs out and stretched her long, muscled, bronze body. She released a wide yawn and then collapsed against the couch, now exhausted from all of that yawning and stretching.

“Life sure is boring when I'm not out being a terrorist.” Alphard muttered. She looked up at the clock on the wall in front of her and sighed. 17:09. The atmosphere was lonely and stiff, and Alphard just felt completely bored.

Sighing again, Alphard removed her gun and took a rag out to clean its shiny smooth surface. Not much time had passed until Alphard growled and slammed the gun down onto the coffee table.

“Goddamnit! I’m too bored for life!” Alphard shot up out of the seat and clenched her hand into a fist. “I am going to find a bomb… and… no… I’ll get my men to… ugh… maybe I could… yeah, I’ll do that.” Alphard walked around the couch mumbling to herself, and then she looked up and paused. “How the hell did you get in here?!” She exclaimed.

Canaan squinted at her for a moment, like she was trying to piece a puzzle together, and then she nodded her head towards one of the many broken windows, a look on her face that made it look like she thought Alphard was a retard.

“You could have knocked on the door instead of crawling in through the damn window.” Alphard said in irritation and glared at the synesthete. Canaan didn’t respond and merely stared at her. “What if I was naked or something?!” The white haired girl still didn’t respond, and Alphard threw her hand up in the air in defeat. “Okay, what do you want?”

Canaan lowered her gun that had been halfway raised at Alphard, but had been paused when Alphard had started ranting. “I’m… I’m here to kill you..?” She didn’t mean for it to sound like a question, but she was so baffled that she was struggling to think of anything smart to say. Alphard was acting so… normal. Well, weird, but normal for her.

“Kill me, you say?” Alphard grinned devilishly and straightened to her full height. She gave Canaan a piercing stare as she walked forward, making the synesthete back up until her back hit a wall and she had nowhere else to go. “I’ve been waiting for you, Canaan.”

“Really?”

“For a whole damn month!” Alphard shoved Canaan hard against the wall and used her body to pin her there. She only had the one arm, so she leaned against it with her hand directly beside Canaan’s head. It would have looked cooler if her other arm had been there.

“Why?” Canaan’s brows furrowed.

Alphard’s face contorted with desperation. “I am so bored. This life of peace is driving me crazy! I knew for a fact that you would be sent after me again. What took you so long, anyway?”

Canaan answered with a blank expression. “I was only called by Yuri yesterday…”

“Really?” Canaan nodded. “Huh, okay.” Alphard looked away in thought and Canaan took the time to wonder why the hell she hadn’t attacked yet and why she was letting Alphard have a moment.

 While the terrorist was distracted Canaan slipped out from her position trapped between Alphard and the wall, and jumped back a few feet. Alphard spun around in time to dodge a bullet, and then charged towards Canaan. Her gun was a bit too far to retrieve at the moment.

Canaan evaded her fist and threw a punch of her own that Alphard skilfully caught in her hand. Canaan used her free hand that gripped the gun and aimed the butt of it at Alphard’s temple.

 _Shit,_ Alphard thought and grit her teeth together. There was only one way to get out of this one armed situation. Alphard drew her head back, took a deep breath and smacked her forehead against Canaan’s.

The piercing pain and the surprise made Canaan drop her gun and cover the sore spot with both of her hands. Alphard did the same.

“Oh my God, no one wins in a head-butt.” She rubbed at her forehead and flinched.

“Then why did you do it?!” Canaan yelled.

“You didn’t give me much choice.” Alphard yelled back.

“I’m here to kill you, Alphard, or at least capture you.”

“Then why didn’t you shoot me the moment you got in? I was distracted, wasn’t I?”

Canaan paused and sighed. She uncovered her face and looked at Alphard. “I was just surprised by your odd behaviour.  I'm still in a bit of shock.”

Alphard rolled her eyes. “I can get bored too, you know.” She said. Canaan shook her head and looked down at her gun. It was still lying on the floor but closer to Alphard than to her. “Nu-uh.” Alphard swooped down and snatched the gun. “You don’t win that easily.” She drew her arm back and threw the gun as hard as she could. It crashed through window, accidentally shattering the rare ones that weren’t broken already. “Oh you have to be shitting me!” Alphard exclaimed in disbelief. She had aimed for the broken one next to it.

“You’ve lost your touch.” Canaan commented, feeling the odd desire to laugh.

“Shut up!” Alphard yelled at her and turned to Canaan with her hand raised, finger pointing at the synesthete. “I shot my own arm off!”

“Uh… Alphard, you made the decision to do that, you know? And how does that apply to you failing at something as simple as aiming?”

“I’m still not used to this empty space here,” the terrorist pointed at her stump, “so of course my aim is off! It’s all your fault for dropping that gun when I was in a dangerous mood.”

Canaan crossed her arms over her chest and huffed. “You made your bed, so lie in it.”

“Why you…” Alphard took a step forward, finger still pointed, and then froze. Her face contorted, and Canaan watched with bewilderment as Alphard’s face clouded over in fear. “C-C-Canaan!” Alphard stuttered, yes, _Alphard_ stuttered.

“What’s wrong?” Canaan looked around them. They were alone and there didn’t seem to be anyone close, she would know because she checked with her awesome eye abilities, or synesthesia. She had no gun or weapon and she hadn’t said anything to further upset Alphard.

“OH MY GOD!” Alphard started flapping her arm around like she was trying to take off and fly through the room. She spun around in circles, sputtering in panic and flailing around. Before Canaan could even move Alphard had tumbled over the couch and somehow found her gun. “MOTHERFUCKER!” Alphard yelled and started shooting at the floor. She crawled over the couch and aimed at Canaan. “MOVE!”

“Dafuq?” Canaan gasped and dove to the side just in time to dodge a bullet.

 “YOU BASTARD!” Alphard moved from shooting holes into the floor to shooting up the wall, and then the roof. “DIE!!”

Canaan sat on the floor off to the side, eyes wide, confused and unsure of what might have possessed her enemy to start shooting at… nothing.

When Alphard ran out of bullets she threw the gun out of the lounge, removed her shoes and threw them one after the other to the spot she had shot the most. After that she calmed down and dropped down to the floor, panting. The terrorist took a moment to catch her breath and then she looked around for Canaan. She spotted her to her right, staring at her with shock.

“What?” Alphard asked a tad bit breathlessly.

“Alphard… did… did you hit your head too hard that day you shot your arm off?” Alphard shot her a glare as a response. “What the hell was that?” Alphard looked away and nervously scratched her cheek.

“I-it was nothing.”

“That was not nothing. Were you possessed or something?”

Alphard stood up and dusted herself off. “No I wasn’t. You’re irritating me, so could you leave now?”

Canaan stood too and gave Alphard another ‘dafuq’ look. “I was hired to stop you, Alphard, I won’t just leave.”

Alphard put her hand in her coat pocket and looked away with a huff. Canaan decided that Alphard wasn’t going to tell her why she had just rained bullets in her own house so she took the investigation upon herself and searched the floors. Something caught her eye and she crouched down by it.

“Hey, Alphard, come look here quick.” Canaan gestured for Alphard to crouch down beside her and waited until she had.

“What is it- OH MY GOD!” Alphard jumped on top of Canaan and knocked the wind right out of her. The raven-head was even trembling.

Canaan sighed deeply and felt a headache coming on. She roughly shoved Alphard off of her and gave her an unimpressed frown. “Of all the things in the world you’re afraid of spiders?”  Canaan asked as crouched down by the spider again. It sat merrily in the dead centre of the room and by some miracle hadn’t been shot. “Why did you even shoot the wall?”

“I…” Alphard looked away and for the first time in history slightly blushed in embarrassment. “I thought I saw spiders everywhere…” Canaan chuckled. “Don’t laugh! Those bastards are the spawn of Satan!”

Canaan raised an eyebrow and stood. They both looked down at the spider and when it started crawling on its multiple, black, hairy legs, Alphard yelped and look at Canaan in panic. The synesthete sighed and stood on the thing.

“There, see? It’s dead.”

“Are you sure?” Canaan made a show of grinding her boot into the floor while she rolled her eyes. When she removed her shoe to show the mess of spidery goo, Alphard sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

“Since I saved you from the terrifying wrath of Mr Satan Spider, give yourself up and come with me.”

Alphard regained her usual calm and gave Canaan a glare. “You’d have to do more than that to get me to give myself up, Canaan.” Alphard removed her coat and gave Canaan a smirk. In a flash of speed she threw it over Canaan’s head and when the synesthete managed to pull it off, Alphard was gone.

“Oh for the love of…” Canaan bit her lip in frustration and cursed under her breath. “I was so close.”

Canaan bowed her head in defeat and rubbed tiredly at her eyes. This whole thing had drained her energy and she wasn’t looking forward to having to face Yuri without Alphard. At least she had some new interesting information about her enemy that they would surely use to eventually capture her one day.

Canaan sighed and hopped out of the nearest window. She looked up at the dark sky and allowed herself a mischievous, amused grin. “I wonder if we can find a giant spider…”

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION: No spiders were hurt in the making of this oneshot. 
> 
> So, how many of you hate spiders too? I scream like a 3 year old girl and fall over if one crawls on or near me. I'm cool with them at a distance, but not in my personal space. –shivers-  
> I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading ^^


End file.
